i've been wanting to blog since my birthday,but haven really had time to do so.and much to be explained,but dunno whr to start with.
lets start with months ago,when i decided to book my chalets. i called friends,i asked friends if they would be coming and was pretty sure that it would be fun. i had a pj night in mind,i even imagined how hilarious we all would have looked playing charades in pjs. and i was looking forward to rolling on the ground in laughters while playing games with you guys.i could even picture zhiwei's jiao face.i tried to tell ppl of my plans whenever we meet up(which wasnt alot),but ppl never stayed long enough to listen or they probably din bother to do so.since everyone said it was my party and i could have wad i want,i decided to plan for myself.
i thot of themes,but got opposed by friends.so i decided not to have a theme until like 1,2 weeks before my birthday.
i thot of games myself,cos no one seemed to want to help me plan while i study for my exams.
i thot of the food menu,but my mum totally ignored it and came up with her own.
finally nothing was finalised as i only had ideas in my mind.the only confirmed thing was my cake,which i drew the design myself too,and i only confirmed it 5days before my party.
i even had to help my friends think of wad to buy for me,which was pretty...retarded.
one week before the party,i had to shop for clothes.but i got ps-ed thrice by three different groups of friends.walking around the malls,feeling dejected after being ps-ed for the second time,i went to meet my mum but she kept rejecting my calls cos she was at a meeting.argh.that was one horrible day cos everyone was rejecting me when it was so close to my birthday.i felt like i din matter to anyone.
finally,a day before i checked into the chalet,nic and wayne met me to get my present.and i did shopping for my family and myself after that,cos i couldnt find anyone else to go with me.and it din feel good.that night,i finally broke down badly in front of my mum and her friends.i was trying to get her to listen and plan well cos we din have time alr.but she wouldnt listen,just like wad everyone else was doing.and i was really upset abt it.
with so many stuffs to do and prepare,it was really annoying to have ppl asking me wad i want,who will be staying over(you guys could have contacted each other abt it instead of all going thru me) or whr the chalet was when i alr stated everything on fb. all those who promised to help,i dun rmb seeing you during that week of preparation.during exams,fine,its alright if you couldnt help.but that week was alr after exams.if i was really that dear to you,why couldnt you just take some time off to help? months of asking for help,i din see the point of forcing ppl to help anymore if they din even volunteer during the last week.
my mum and i,2 trolleys at a time,we went to shengsiong early in the morning to buy 6 trolleys full of stuffs.JUST ME AND MY MUM.and yes,i was pissed cos she only started to think of transport to the chalet that day.she and my grandma moved a cab-ful of stuffs and my dogs from the hse to the cab downstairs,before meeting me and my uncle at the chalet.i know my mum did alot for me.but i was pissed cos everything could have gone smoothly if we had planned ahead,which she had been refusing to do all the time.
after a whole day of grumpyness, the first heartwarming thing was at 12am when the whole group of kids came down to the kitchen,and said happy birthday to me. acty,my mum was in the kitchen from like 5pm till 1am,cooking and preparing food..i think if i wasnt annoyed,i would have felt touched that day too. zoe and jack came ard 12 to surprise me.and yes,i was a lil disappointed that there were only two of them.however,i was still looking forward to watching the finals with my friends.and wad can i say? i wanted to show you why i was so into the game and vandersar.but things din turn out that way.it was nice to have my friends ditching me at the coffeeshop,full of weird men and uncles. fyi,coffeshop uncles are one of the things i hate most.so tell me,how should i feel?
my family slept at 5plus in the morning,but had to wake up at abt 10 cos my relatives started to reach then.all the entertaining and talking,my mum haven even started cooking for the party when it was like 4 alr.i started to get anxious,and decided to start cooking myself.nic,pw,zjun and edmund came earlier to help,fishy,wilson and reagen came early too to help me with the checking in of the other chalet.ben,alvin,junwei and eugene even helped me with doing the cards for my game,that was supposed to happen that party-.-
i was upset that you girls din come earlier to help.and even when you guys reached,you were more concerned with taking pictures than helping.shiggy even asked me why i wasnt changed yet,when i clearly still had a ladle in my hand.my plan was to bathe and get changed ard 6.but i was too busy to go get changed.wilson was really nice and attentive that day.he stood beside me to help and listen to me whine.thank you hubby! i was really touched. i was even more touched to see my tj clique helping out with the bbq-ing cos i expected them to be the ones waiting to be served at first. yes,i was disappointed with you guys agn when i saw how comfortable you guys were sitting at the table,waiting for my already tired mum to serve you. bbq-ing was taking too long,so i decided to fry the wings and fries. i was in the kitchen alone most of the time until my hpt darlings came in to accompany me and hear me kb agn.
i din sit down with you guys mainly cos i was too busy.yes,i was pissed with you guys for not helping.but that wasnt the reason why i din sit down.and also,i thot you guys would be staying.so i should probably spend more time with the rest then catch up with you guys later at night.i din expect everyone to leave.i was acty looking forward to that stayover.
i was grumpy the whole day till it was time for cake.when i was surrounded by ppl,my dear friends,singing the birthday song for me,i suddenly felt that everything that had happened before din matter anymore.cos i was glad that i had all of you with me then.but that simple happiness din last long.i heard you girls talking abt leaving.and i was..mm.very upset.i texted zhiwei to ask if he would be staying,and my disappointment was doubled when he said no. as i watched everyone leave at the same time,i told myself that i should stay strong and pretend to be alright.just wave bye graciously. nic they all were playing cards in the room upstairs.
this was the part no one knew had happened. after my friends left,it was like no one remembered me anymore. i went to the room beside nic's and whatever i had been holding behind,burst out at the same time.i din want anyone to see me in that state,so i took a chair and sat in the dark balcony for quite some time.i could hear and see my mum and her friends having fun downstairs.it was my party,but no one looked for me during that period of time.it was like everyone was brought to the party,not cos of me.
but wilson was still really sweet.he saw thru me and knew how upset i was when everyone left.he texted me that night to show concern.really thank you eh!
i thot a chalet would make people feel obliged to stay longer.but it din seem to work that way.
friends who gave me a definite "staying" answer,friends who promised to be steady for my birthday,friends who kept putting 8yrs by your mouths were also the ones who left me feeling disappointed.i din dare to ask nic they all after that if they would be staying cos i was afraid i would hear no.and i was really really super thankful that they stayed for me.i dunno wad would have happened to me if they werent there.and i honestly din know they would be staying cos i gave you guys priority first to stay,then let them decide agn if they would feel comfortable staying with us.
i din thank you guys on fb,not cos i was pissed.but cos i couldnt decide on wad to thank you guys for.the people i thanked,were all people who helped me in a way or another. yes,i had a beautiful scrapbook.but with regards to how i felt that day and the times you guys werent there,it wasnt wad a scrapbook could make up for.when i watched you guys leave that day,i wasnt pissed.i wanted to cry alr on the spot.i was surprised.then disappointed and upset.i informed you guys 3 months beforehand.wasnt there enough time for you guys to cancel activities and work? or am i not important enough for you guys to do so? you all alr could not make time to help me before that.so i was just asking for 24hrs of your time for my actual day.i couldnt tell you guys wad present i wanted cos i really din have anything in mind.gifts looked so superficial this yr.all i wanted was all of you to be there.so on the balcony,i asked myself,why am i still holding on to all these friendships when i clearly dun matter? i mean,when was the last time we had a perfect gathering without ppl leaving after a while? or without your spouses? its not like i dislike your spouse,but if you cant pay attn to your clique with him ard,then why bother to come with him? i had felt unimpt for a long long time.i thot my birthday would be different.MY BIRTHDAY.but as i watched all of you leave,i seriously dun uds why i should care so much anymore.i should probably stop cancelling tuitions to make it for gatherings,or i should stop sacrificing sleep to do cards and scrapbooks for you guys.if you have things on,if you gotta leave early,i uds.once,5times,or even 10times,i understood.but this has happened all the time.while i uds you,who's there to uds me?
what i wanted was for all of you to keep your words,to mean wad you say on cards,in books.dun say them because they sound good,but say them cos you really feel that way.8yrs.is the number binding us tgt? or is it wad i have among us that makes us stay tgt? twice,when i met the two toughest time in my life,and i got thru them myself.because you girls had far more impt things to do than to spend that few hrs with me. you guys are probably thinking,"why is van making such a big fuss over all these"? because van cares.because i cared far too much.with this birthday incident,i think i should look at our friendships differently now.so that the next time someone needs to leave early,i would probably not feel this way anymore.
this is for min.
i dunno if jack had explained on my behalf.but the other time when i din turn up to shop for shiggy's stuffs,it wasnt because i was pissed.AND I REPEAT,I WAS NEVER PISSED.I WAS REALLY DISAPPOINTED.i din come because my sis told me that my mum got lung cancer,and i decided to go home earlier to verify with my mum in person.i din bother to explain to you cos i was clearly not in the mood.but anyway,my mum's fine.so far.cos she said she suspected the cancer but hasnt been for the checkup.most likely going next month.and im praying hard that she'll be fine.
alright.there you go.this is my answer to why i have been behaving this way.
put yourself in my shoes and imagine all your friends walking out of you at the same time,on your birthday.and tell me,do i get the right to feel and behave the way i do?
so,why are you pissed when i should be the pissed one?