i'll fight hard for you. always be remembered.

it has been real tough for me this week. real tough. but luckily my friends have been with me all these while. esp andrew. thks alot dude! feel so bad troubling him all these while. cos he really spent lots of time accompanying me and encouraging me. if its not for him, i guess i would be real sad.

i din play well on tues. really sucks. i thot mr fung would subst me out. everyone agrees that i really was off. but mr fung din subst me out. nat came down to support. andrew,peiwen,audrey and zhijun too. but audrey and pw rushed off after that. they had things on. hey girls! thks alot!

went to eat with my pals. it cheered me up abit. i really dunno know wad happened to me. for 2 wks, i haven been able to spike at all. everything was wrong. JJ's match is very crucial to me. i was sick on thurs. but i still went back for trng cos i knew that i was left with 2 trngs to get back my touch. that trng was saddening. i was beginning to get back the feel. bit by bit. i played the first set. made a few mistakes. considering the number of balls i get cos i din give the setter enough confidence to set to me. then mr fung said that for the next set, meiyan would play my position. i expected this to happen. i felt very sad. really. but i tried to hide my feelings and pretended to be normal. but actually i was demoralised. really. cos i wanted to use that trng to get back my touch and now he spoiled it. it was break time. i hid my tears. and went down to refill my bottle. thk goodness i saw andrew. i couldnt take it alr and needed to tell someone abt it. i ran to him and told him i got subst alr. very sad. i was on the verge of crying alr. but it was dark. i think he din see my tears. then i ran back to the hall. i played in the other team. except for first ball, i guess i did quite ok in other areas. i started to get back the touch. could spike alr. though not really well. and i was quite 拼. was proud of it. but mr fung din put me back. meiyan played the third set too. while i was playing in the other team, though very sad, i played till quite high and mad. cheered like normal and kept shouting. who saw the tears behind my laughters? i acted damn normal. brave in front of everyone. then shigs came to hug me and said its ok, i'll get back. in front of everyone. i was like, eh. wad are u doing? cos i din want everyone to know how sad i was. mr fung din put me back that trng afterall.

andrew msged me and encouraged me alot. i've been talking to him since wed. on wed, my team watched the video of our match with MI. all spikers managed to win pts. except for me. thats wad mr fung said. i was really sad and pissed that day. cos i counted for both sets, the setter only set 4 balls to me. its not even 1 set of shigs, no need to say abt mich and kelly. and he expects me to score with that 4 balls which were either too far or too near the net. that night, andrew was telling me abt his match next tues too vs JJ too. and he was nervous abt it. made me start to get nervous too. but we encouraged each other to move on.

i was determined to play well for trng on thurs. but got subst out. aft i told andrew, he msged me to encourage me again and asked me not to cry. i told him that i would get back next trng.i promised. on the way back aft trng, i saw audrey. so i told her too. she encouraged me to continue fighting hard. i said that i would. i called zoe to tell her how i felt. cos i din wanna tell shigs. i dun want my team to know. luckily i had these friends with me.

on fri, i told peiwen abt it. she got subst out too. we're in the same boat. but she din say much abt hers. i know she's sad too. andrew said that she gave up alr. so all of us encouraged her to move on. andrew,shengyu,him and me. i said that i din give up hope. so she shudnt too. i din tell shengyu and him abt wad happened to me. lazy to repeat and i was afraid that they would say that i was really lousy and ought to be subst. but that night, andrew called me and talked to me. cos he heard that i was abt to cry from peiwen. so he cheered me up. thks dude! i said that if i still couldnt get back on sat trng, i would not be able to play again even if he put me in in the future. cos i would be too demoralised to do well. i said that i would fight hard on sat. and i would get back.

sat came. it was a tough day. and i guess i made the right decision. i started to get back my touch alr. during free spikes, i guess i had a few pretty good spikes. shigs said that i was back alr. haha=) for the first set, both meiyan and i played open. shigs as subset. denise din play. that set was very high. i was proud of myself cos i thot that i could play abt my normal std alr. had a few not bad balls. i even spiked thru the blocker's hands. then mr fung said denise would play the next set. i'll go in first then meiyan subst me ltr. i was pissed. cos i thot i did well yet he still wants to subst me. i played the whole of second set. then meiyan played the third one. i was thinking why din he subst denise instead cos she wasnt playing as well and she doesnt like to play open. i was angry cos i tried my best yet he still dun see it. when i was being subst by libero in the second set, meiyan moved from where she was sitting to somewhr near our court. i guess she wanted to let mr fung know that she's ready to get in and was waiting for her turn. i pretended that i din see. its not her fault. its only human nature to want to do well and it has always been her wish to play in main team. she desires it alot. but it hurts me. so stop doing such things to hurt my feelings. for the fourth set, both of us played without denise. i dunno who mr fung will put for YJ's and JJ's match. but i guess my place is an uncertainty. very shaky. but i'll be sad if he din put me or if he subst me. cos i really showed him that i could play alr last trng. and i sacrificed miko to come for trng. i was fighting hard for her.

that morning was a struggle btw trng or to see miko. she's dying. i was very looking forward to trng that day. zoe wished me luck early that morning. it was an impt trng cos it determined my place. then my sis called in the morning to ask if im going hm on mon. she said miko couldnt make it alr. she's old. i cried very badly. i nv thot that it would happen this soon. i've nv meet any death yet and i dunno how to react. im scared and very sad. cos its my dog which has accompanied me for the past 7 yrs. i struggled alot. called zoe, shigs and andrew. finally i decided to go for trng. miko knows how much vball means to me. she would want me to go for trng. cos whenever i tell my dogs abt my bad times in vball, they'll come close to me, lick me as if to tell me to continue fighting on. im proud of myself. while playing vball, i din think of it at all. but as longa s im not doing anything, i would think of her and start crying again. i cried alot. its like i bought miko's fav dental stick on fri and i wanted to visit them on sat. but i'll nv get the chance to do so alr. i had been busy for the last few weeks. haven went back for 3 wks. i heard that she had been sick for a wk alr. but my mum only sent her to the clinic on fri. no one told me that she was sick. or i would have gone back alr. i regretted not going back to spend time with my dogs. i promised that i would go back each wk. but i din keep to my promise. i promised to buy them the dental stick and i nv did so till fri. but miko would nv chew it again. never again. her clinic closes at 4 on sat. so i din get the chance to see her. my eyes were swollen so i tried to avoid looking at ppl straight in the eye in sch. but they still saw it. shengyu asked if i wanna catch a movie that night. i told him abt miko and said i had no mood. he was beside. but i dunno if he heard cos i said softly. but sy said nvm lah. go out relax. watch movie. i said i'll confirm with him aft my trng. i kept thinking if i shud go. i know that i would feel better. and i wanted to see him. so i said i was going and quickly rushed hm so that i could bathe and meet them. then sy said that it was cancelled. i was sad. cos i thot they wanted to cheer me up and now they're not coming out. heard that sy had dinner at hm and he wanted to stay at hm to watch soccer. i was really sad. cos he rather watch soccer than to cheer me up. called peiwen to ask her out for ice cream cos i din wanna stay at hm. daddy was being very insensitive. i asked her to ask sy and him while i asked andrew. pw told them that i was feeling sad. thats why they all agreed to come out. but he had alr ordered pizza at hm so he asked us to go over to his place. sy and andrew wanted to watch soccer too and peiwen din mind going. i wanted to see him and i wanted to get out of hm. so we all went over to his place. i asked how to get thr and pw asked him for me. he called me. he was like, eh. u very sad ar? i felt strangling him. of cos i was. i was so close to my dogs. he gave me the add. all of us cabbed thr. reached ard 8 plus, 9. it really cheered me up alot. told them wad was making me sad these few days cos sy and him din know abt the substitution part. they made me laugh alot. and i found out that he din know abt my dog. thats why he asked to cancel the movie outing. made me feel better cos i thot he rather watch soccer than cheering me up. we all watched soccer. haha. it was fun. his family went overseas so no one was at hm. they all teased me and joked ard as normal. cheered me up alot. we left ard 11 plus. i wanted to take bus hm cos i wanted to think on the bus. i like to do so. but i guess i missed the last one. they were cabbing hm tgt but i was alone so they got me to cab back first before they left me. i guess he's the kind who doesnt express concern openly. cos he din say much when i was at his place but he msged me to show concern and asked if i managed to catch the bus hm. all of them msged me to ask if i reached hm. andrew and him encouraged me to move on and cheer up. thks alot ppl! andrew has been a great friend. why is it andrew who has accompanied me these few days but not him? i guess he's busy with someone else. mm. nvm lah. at least he did so ytd. i felt better after that.

this is for miko. you'll always be remembered.

darling poko. you'll react to any name that has 'ko' in it. be it 'kokonut' or 'mummy poko pants'. you're always very quiet and skinny. cos other dogs would bully you. you would always eat secretly when they're not looking. but you'll eat very little. you're not very fun to play with so no one plays with you often. everyone dotes on nobel and hildas more. you're always sleeping alone in a corner. or on the cushion of the sofa. you like to squeeze with us on bed. you enjoy the cosiness of squeezing. you like ppl to touch you. you'll stick your head under our hands and push it up to tell us that you want us to touch you. you'll tilt your head when you think sth is strange. you're very gentle cos unlike nobel and hildas, you wont scratch us when you want food. you like to be clean but you dun like to bathe cos you dun like smells. you'll roll all over the place and keep rubbing your nose cos of smells. you like to lick yourself clean. you like to go for walks. im so sorry that no one has brought you out for a long while. you're always kept at home. you like veggies than meat. you like pedigree dental stick. thats the only one you like. i promised to buy you but i kept dragging till fri. i bought it for you. but i doubt you'll chew it. you're too weak now. i remembered that time when you bit the packet of dental stick and brought it under the bed cos you want it. but darling, it was closed. how are you gonna chew it? so i took it away from you. you looked really cute. your tail will wag whenever i call you and play with you. you like ppl to stroke you to slp. you're the only dog which is allowed on the bed cos you always keep yourself clean and pretty. mummy bought you when you were 5 mths old. you were very fierce. uncle ben kept beating you till you got very timid. you were always thr for me. there was once my siblings stayed with daddy and i was all alone. the house was so scary and empty. luckily i had you and nobel with me. you accompanied me when it was dark. slept with me. listened to me,licked me and cheered me up whenever i was feeling down. when i study, you sleep under the chair. whenever i wanna go out, you'll look at me as if to tell me to take you along. when we were staying at the second floor, you would go out for a walk with nobel and come hm when you were done. nobel was bad with directions. you were the one leading her. you'll find me whenever i hide under the blanket. you'll bark at strangers who walk past our door. you were the least likeable dog. but though i din show it, i love you too. i know you're lonely. i cared for you more. i regretted not showing how much i love you. when i decided to move over to daddy's place, i couldnt bear to leave you all. i promised to come back each week. but i din keep my promise. i din even know that you fell sick. im sorry for not being there for you. sorry for not hugging you when you were in pain. wad am i supposed to do now when you're abt to leave? i cant imagine wads its like without you. you've been with me for 7 yrs. ppl may think that its ok. dogs will grow old and die. to them, you're a dog. but to me, you're the best companion and friend. when i went back ytd, nobel and hildas were very happy and kept sticking to me. but you werent ard. i realised how much you all missed me. when i visited you in the clinic this morning, you were so weak. your eyes couldnt even concentrate. you cant even move much. you were on drip and the already skinny you become even skinnier. lack of vitamins made you lose a lot of fur. your temp was lower than normal and your immune system is down. your organs werent functioning. your gums were white unlike the usual pink. doctor says you're not responding to the medication. you're old alr. chances of recovery is slim. darling, you couldnt even react when we called you. i think you werent sleeping but you were too weak to open your eyes. did you see me? im here alr. you cannot survive long. especially if without the drip. i know you're in pain. you din like the taste of medicine. in the past, you'll use your hands to wipe your nose and mouth and roll everywhere. but you were too weak to do so just now. you merely moved your hands and put your nose under it. i know you dun like it there. mummy will bring you home on mon or tues. i'll rush down aft my match. you must wait for me. i'll bring you good news of my victory. i'll fight for you. i will. darling poko, when it gets too painful, leave. mummy will put you to sleep. end your suffering. we'll pray for you. may you live better next life. i'll never forget you. you've brought me so much joy and encouragement. thks for being part of my precious memories. i'll love you forever. you'll be remembered always.

蔷蔷

还记得你喜欢咬着我的手

然后给我你嘴里的球要我陪你玩丢丢

你喜欢我摸摸你的喧朵

窝在我的身旁没有烦忧在梦里遨游

好狗狗好狗狗

谢谢你陪妈咪这么久

你并没有离开我

是搬到天堂生活

蔷蔷你要记得我

你不要走丢

快快找到天使

在天堂给我们保佑

蔷蔷不要忘了我

还有亲爱的阿姨叔叔和你的朋友

你永远活在记忆中

蔷蔷你要记得我
你不要走丢
快快找到天使
在天堂给我们保佑

蔷蔷不要忘了我

还有亲爱的阿姨叔叔和你的朋友

你永远活在记忆中

蔷蔷谢谢你

oh no! im screwed! i forgot that there's physics mock spa tmr! got so much to memorise. and i doubt i'll pass it anw. it's so tough! skill A! gotta start soon. after blogging. haha=)

oh gosh! i just wanna say that i failed. the deadline for one mth is gonna be up in 2 days. and the feeling is still there. cos we haven talked for a long while, i msged him ytd to ask abt his match. i was damn scared that he'll shut me up like the other time by saying gd night. it took me a lot of courage to send him the msg. but i still did anw. thk goodness! we talked like normal. for pretty long. i was overjoyed. haha=) but i was disappointed this morning cos i realised sth saddening.cos peiwen started her competition today. she was telling the guys that she was damn scared the day before. shengyu,andrew and him sent her msgs to encourage her.i was walking to class from sports com with the guys when they all realised that all of them sent her msgs. but none of them sent to me. i was damn scared last thurs too cos of my fri match. i practically told the whole world how scared and nervous i was lah. but none msged me. errss..shengyu sorta did lah. but the rest din. i was sad. esp when he din msg me. its like im not as significant as peiwen. that day, i really thot that he wld wish me luck. i really needed him to do so. but he din. now i realised that he actually msged her. sad. sad. very sad. lol. the highness from msging him last night disappeared. i was really disappointed. cos of him. and my mum who din turn up. haix. see! ppl take me for granted again. i needed the encouragement from my clique that day. none did so. i guess they thot that it wasnt that impt to me. haix. nvm lah. at least they came for my match.

today i spent quite a lot of time with him. cos we were excused from pe. mr fung asked us to practise service. but we ended up slacking. i was talking to yenberg the whole time in the outdoor court. then he left and i went to watch video with shengyu annd him on the guys match with vj. then we went for lessons tgt. oh no! i flunked my maths test like siao. 5 out of 20. mr low was disappointed. not only with me. but some others too cos quite a handful failed. he called us out one by one to talk. audrey was before me. she came in crying. scare me. i took tissue out in case i cry too. haha. luckily it was ok lah. i din cry and promise to do better next test. while in class, thinking abt the msg incident made me sad again. haix. i left with the guys for their match. i was sitting in front of yenberg and aloysius. it wasnt because i was eavesdropping lah. but they were loud. so at times i interfered a bit. yenberg was very funny. he was like, eh dun eavesdrop lah. haha=) we reached there super early. and the earlier matches were SUPER BORING! aj played with tpjc for super long. ny guys came in and sat in front of serena, meiyan and me. melvin was sitting in front of me. cos we sorta know each other, we talked a bit. then guoxiong came over and told melvin,eh 你来打比赛就好，不要flirt我学校的girls hor. then he turned to me and said that HE was pissed. haha. i know he was kidding. as in why will HE be pissed? but it was kinda nice to think that it was true. if only it was.

haha=) he msged me to wish me luck. cos i kept complaining just now that they din msg me. talked for some time. ah! how nice would it be if we could be like this all the time? his ankle still hurts. he's gotta stop vball for 1 wk. to recover. rest well ya? though he's not gonna play for this round, but im still gonna go for all his matches no matter what. even if he's not coming for all of mine. but he's coming tmr! im gonna play well tmr! CONFIDENCE! IM GONNA WIN MI!!!

we lost ytd. 2:0, (25:12, 25:14). im not upset abt losing. cos we din expect to win too. we wanted to have a close fight with HCI and scare the other teams. wanted to stress HCI cos we din have anything to lose and could play freely, but they couldnt afford to lose to us. but i suck. im serious. couldnt spike at all. totally suck. first ball and defence also cannot make it. ah! i lost alot of pts. everyone else was quite on form. serena and shiyun were good in defending. HCI had to attack a few times before they could win a pt. mich and kelly blocked well and attacked well too. except for me. i kept thinking abt the pts i lost in court. i wanted to play well. but the more i desire to play well, the more stress i give myself and the more i couldnt play. i was disappointed with myself. but i din stop shouting. our morale was high throughout. haha. we practically screamed at any pts we got. we were nervous in the beginning. but calmed down ltr. i was really nervous cos during free spike, i couldnt spike at all. AT ALL! ALL OUT BALLS! ALL AEROPLANES!! horrible. i couldnt spike 直线 at all. when i walked to the back, shengyu asked me to spike 斜线 instead. i tried. and that was better. but then i was so affected by the other balls that i couldnt play in court. angelina wont set to me cos i kept making mistakes. i was so pissed with myself. but i still tried to maintain the morale in court anw.

i was so touched that my friends came down to support me. minmin came. peiwen, zhijun, andrew and edmund came too. but i felt so bad cos i played badly and i thot that it was a waste of their time to come so far. luckily there's bus there and back. peiwen and zhijun skipped chem extra lessons to come with the bus while edmund and andrew cabbed there. though audrey couldnt come cos of music, she made me a card to encourage me.hey guys! im really touched! im so sorry that i played so badly. i guess u guys expected better. but nvm. im gonna play better from next match on. promise. zhijun took some pics of the match and put them on our class blog. im so touched! thks alot!!

here are some pics i took of u guys!













mummy din come. i kept looking at the door. she nv walked in. i felt so horrible aft the match. but she wasnt there. during debrief, i was quiet. the guys came out ltr. he was there too. it was obvious that i was sad. but he din say anything. i walked away after debrief. i called my mum and asked why she din come. she said she couldnt leave cos of work. i wanted to cry before that alr. when i called her, i broke down. i went to join my class ppl ltr. told them sorry cos i played like that. my eyes were teary. shengyu was like, see. i knew she'll cry. haha. he was there too. but he din say anything. i was disappointed once again.

4 of them with shengyu and him went for prata after that. i went with my pals and saw them there. i was like, eh. why u guys nv ask me along? haha. feels quite weird to have 2 different cliques of mine tgt. but im glad too. cos i've been wanting to show my class clique who my pals were and show my pals my class clique. zoe was like lets sit tgt cos she saw him there. but i said there's no place so we sat at the table in front. for the first time he said sth. cos when zoe said to sit tgt and i said got no place, he said the three of them could sit except for me. i was telling zoe that we seldom talk alr and he din even say anything. but zoe said no lah. he'll still tease u mah. better than not talking at all. yupp. like he kept complaining got not enough space cos i was ard. but i was disappointed cos he really din say anything to cheer me up or wad despite seeing that i was feeling down. there was bus back to achool. i wanted to catch a movie and zoe said that she'll watch if we're going bedok. andre and jack had match in ccab too but their debrief took a long time so we left first. shigs, zoe and i waited for them in bedok. they din take too long to come. we watched ' forbidden kingdom'. the storyline was a bit gay but it wasnt too bad. jack said that the movie was very budget. cos it was the same few characters and they played 2 roles. haha.



anw, while waiting for them to come,i msged my classmates who came down to thk them for coming and apologise for wasting time watching me play like that. but they were encouraging. esp andrew. his replies were long lah. thks alot!! zhijun too. cos they said that they would come down to support again if they have time. peiwen also said that i gotta win the next match and i will play well. they made me feel better. the whole day, i was waiting for his msg. i thot he wld msg. cos i was feeling so sad. even janan msged me. even janan said that he wanted to cheer for me during the match but he was upstairs with xinzhi. even someone i dunno well cares. why din he? because he knows that i like him, thats why he shud know that i needed him to be there for me. why din he do anything? i saw him online just now. but he din talk to me either. i heard that he's really gonna rest for a wk. not playing cos of his ankle. he's not playing till the next round. i guess most of my team will not be going for their mon match. but im still going though. cos no matter wad, i wanna be thr for all his matches. even when he's not coming for all of mine, i still wanna be thr. i bet he'll feel bad for not being able to play. but take care ya? u can do anything u want aft that.



today's trng was slightly better. i couldnt spike stilll. but it was a bit better cos i told myself that i gotta play hard whenever i got demoralised. but my knee hurts. i din wanna go for trng but if i din, i will not have any more trng before my next match. i think i maybe seeing a doc aft my tues match. then stop trng till sat. if only he knows abt all these. if only he cares. if only he stops avoiding. was it my fault? cos i avoided first? i dunno too. he wont say and we wont talk. before trng, we watched our match with HCI. actually i din play as badly as i thot. i din lose as much pts as i thot. i did in the first set but the second one was better. ah! i really gotta work hard man! have confidence! jiayou! shigs was very cocky abt her defence. haix. makes me realise that i haven got any forte in anything. im useless. but im gonna prove others wrong the next match onwards. positive thinking works. but. can u be there for my match? at least i'll feel more motivated. but overall, i think my team was ok. continue to play hard girls!

STOP ANNOYING ME!!!!

i dun usually scold vulgarities. but fuck off. im really pissed with my dad this time. i've been tolerating with his nonsense for the past few days. but today was max. cos my sisters came over to stay for a couple of days. he wld always make me do things for them. im fine with it. but he actually said that i was selfish. fuck. i was using the lamp to treat my knee cos it really hurts lately. my sis wanted to slp alr (they were sleeping in my rm cos my dad wants us to slp with the air con. usually when im alone, i dun use the air con). so he was like,'dun use the lamp alr. makes the rm very hot. i wanna turn on the air con alr.' i was like let me use it for another 30 mins first cos i just used it only. he said,' then ur sis slp without aircon lah. no. stop using it. or use it outside.' fuck. it is my rm and i cant use it thr? but nvm. i turned it off and continued doing my work. then he asked me to do my work outside cos he doesnt want me to disturb my sis. i was like hello. i was doing my work and not affecting her in any way. he said,'no. i dun like this. either u get out thr or u dun do ur work at all.' fuck. initially i refused cos i think it was damn unreasonable. he said i was selfish. cos i slept earlier on and no one disturbed me and yet i was disturbing my sis. now it really got me pissed. these few days i hlped to wash their clothes, shared my rm, do this and that and i haven complained a bit. now he's refusing to let me do my stuffs in my rm and scolded me selfish. fuck. wad is this? i couldnt take it alr and started arguing with him. i was like all these while i've been doing things for them and giving in. now i cant even do my work in the rm? and cannot use the lamp when my knee hurts like mad and i got comp tmr? i asked who was the selfish one here. then i left my rm. he din have much to say. he asked my sis to hang the clothes from the washing machine cos he said i was being calculating and keep complaining abt everything i gotta do. i couldnt be bothered with him.

i called zoe just now. andre said that tmr shakir,jack and he will be having hockey comp at 3 in ccab too! so mayb can watch us play. gosh! this is DAMN COOL! cant believe that we're actually meeting thr cos of diff sports! so qiao! same day! haha. i wanted to tell her abt my dad too. but it was inconvenient cos he was ard. so i said i'll tell her tmr. i wanted to tell someone so badly! nvm! im so looking forward to tmr too!!

the guys had their first match against VJ today. they won 2:0. he was injured. sprained his ankle 2 wks back and haven recovered yet. i cheered for everyone. but hesitated if i shud shout out his name. the second set, he lost a few pts in a row. i shouted for him. shigs looked at me. haha. i really wanted to cheer for him then. i was pretty hungry. went for prata with alvin,JP,michelle and daphne. the guys came over ltr. he came even ltr. the prata house was filled. he managed to get a chair and sat btw shengyu and me. i quickly finished my food cos i wanted to give my seat to the guys who came ltr. JP refused to let me leave initially cos it wasnt often that we sit tgt. i din care. and insisted in leaving. mich and daph left first. i then left with alvin and Jp. ok. im useless. im always running away. trying to keep a distance from him yet i want him near me. wads my prob? when he comes close, i 'll leave. when he's away, i want him ard. haix. i asked shengyu if he was upset abt the game. he said no. so i din msg him to cheer him on. damn dumb isnt it? cant i ask him myself? haix.

anw, TMR'S MY MATCH! IT'S FINALLY HERE! oh gosh! im damn nervous now. super. playing against zoe tmr! haix. i played so badly last trng. im super scared that i cant play tmr. and he'll be there tmr. gosh! damn sad. damn stressed. cos he'll be seeing me play. but i cant afford to play badly or be off form. i gotta bring the team up. haix. no matter how badly i play tmr, i cannot show the disappointment. must continue cheering. bring the morale higher. but im pretty worried abt my knee. it really hurts. i cant even run lah. im afraid if i land badly tmr, woah. GG. im so nervous. cant slp now! luckily i managed to slp just now. i expected this. but it's ok. it's not abt winning or losing the game. as long as we enjoy the game, we're alr a winner. mummy din reply if she's coming for my match. will she come?

hey! i love my team ya? i read mich's blog. im so glad that my team's getting closer and better. haha. we're really bonded this time. we have team bag, keychain and bottle! a platypus bottle. haha. i've nv thot of that before. now we play tgt, talk tgt and eat tgt. had so fun with my team. hey girls! no matter how far we can make it this season, i just wanna say that u guys have been real great all these while. i love u guys regardless the result. so let's concentrate on our match tmr and fight hard girls!

im really tired alr. been pretty busy this few days. so i guess i'll write more tmr instead. tmr, the guys will play their first match. and ours is on friday! 2 more days!!! goshh! im so excited abt this!

i suck at trng today. felt pretty demoralised. the guys had trng before us. so they were like looking at us play aft that. ifrst, my free spike sucks. then i couldnt spike at all during the match. everyone, including him, was thr. why was i so lousy?? totally chui to the max. i felt really demoralised. when i just got into court, i think i lost 3,4 pts in a row. horrible! i suck! i wanted to play better cos he was ard. finally, mr fung set to me. i jumped with all my might, used a lot of strength and i was so sure that i could spike it well, but, phew! a very high out ball! totally demoralising.

i gave the girls team the cards ytd and the guys today. been rushing it out these few days. cos competition is here. im not sure if the girls really appreciated it, but at least they appeared to be. but the guys ar, only a few thanked me. Janan is the nicest of all. he said that he wanna write sth for me too. he'll pass me tmr. yenberg thanked me too. felt so touched cos yenberg usually wont talk to me. shengyu and him thanked me too. he msged to thank me. and at the end of the msg, he asked if they gotta come for all ourr matches. i said no but he din say anything else alr. i guess he wont come for all my matches. shud i go for all of his? i thot that he wld msg me tonight. kept waiting. but still nth.

no matter what, im still going to support the guys tmr. hey! play well k? i think his ankle hasnt recovered totally. hopefully it doesnt affect much. jiayou!

ah! i got back my PW results ytd!! i got A!!!! haha. i was expecting a C or at most a B. but actually TJ has got 87.2% 'A's. so i was just lucky to get it. i told myself that if i could get a 'B', i would be a vegetarian for 5 days. mm. looking at my results, i think im more than willing to do so. haha=) my first 'A'! hopefully its not the only A. looking at how disappointed some ppl were cos they din manage to get it, i felt bad. i think i din really deserve it. out of 28 classes, 13 scored full distinctions. my class had 1 B only and shig's class got 2 Bs. including both of our classes, we alr occupied more than half of the As. which means that other classes wld have more Bs. though the results were not evenly distributed, but as a whole, we did so much better than last yr when there were only 7.1% As. continue to do well TJ! went with my class to pastamania in parkway aft that to celebrate. unintentionally, i looked at him a few times. and he saw that. i looked away. i guess he thot that i was trying to look at him. but i wasnt. i had trng so i rushed back aft that.

training ytd was quite ok. serena was sick. mr fung had to be thr for sports heat and came late. he gave instructions and i kinda took over trng aft that. warmed up. spiked. then started to play match. i did the allocation of ppl. shengyu, JP and chunkiat joined our trng. i got yanting and chunkiat to play center, JP and meiyan as open, shengyu as setter, elysia as subset, yixian as libero. i told junping and daphne that they'll play in the next set. i felt so bad. then mr fung came back. he settled the 2nd set. but din put daphne in. i felt real bad cos i wanted to put daphne in for that set. i told shig that. and she was like "u shudnt put the 1st set like that. shud put dap instead of meiyan or JP one." i told her that i put JP cos he can act like zoe. cos we need a stronger open player. then she was like shud put dap instead of meiyan. hey! actually i was pretty annoyed. i din see wad was wrong abt the 1st set. can u just trust me? mr fung wld always put meiyan in one. daphne wld come in the nxt set. i believe that he wld have done the same thing too. i know she wants to hlp to take charge of trng too, cos we're one of the more senior. but i just felt that she shud at least respect my decision. ok. just ignore me. i wasnt really in a gd mood too.
9 of us went opp for dinner aft trng. had chu chao. it was pretty cool cos we nv squeezed so many ppl in a table tgt before. and i was so glad that we're getting better as a team. discussed wad to get as a team too. was super cool lah cos those TJcians who walked past us wld look at us like ' wah, the vball team's so bonded. so cool to eat like that'. i felt proud to be in my team.

today's trng was pretty ok too. serena's back! wanyang,isabella and lihui came over to play match with us. made trng pretty high. but my knees hurt. really. esp when running. cos the impact of bending my knees was kinda strong. and my wrist too. my back's starting to give me probs too. but i'll hang on thr. till when competition is over, im gonna see a physician and rest well to heal.

he was thr for my trng ytd. he din play. sat outside hall to look at the heats most of the time. i think he was looking at her too. mm. it din hurt me too much. is it a gd thing? when we were on the way to parkway, we took a double deck bus. mm. zhijun and her clique went up. he went up too. but all of his clique was below. peiwen and i went up some time ltr. he was sitting thr alone. looked rather emo. i heard that her class din do well for PW. i guess she was sad and he was worried. thats why he stayed for the heats? haha=) why am i always so sensitive? but he hasnt msged me for some time alr. he did a few days back. because of her. cruel isnt it? rather hurtful too. but sometimes, this is wad happens when u try to be honest.

Drew looks at me,
I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me,
I laugh 'cause It's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into...

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

and i hate my dad. he's really annoying. i hate it whenever he complains how living here with him has caused him so much trouble. and he's always so paranoid over everything. can he open his eyes and see my mood first before trying to pick on anything i do? stay off! i haven shown my temper yet. but i wld soon. if he's still so insensitive and blame me for everything. im a grown up. i know wad im doing. shut up if im not doing the wrong thing. stop complaining abt things that im not doing ur way. its not wrong, just different from u. get it? we haven stayed tgt for a couple of yrs. u have ur lifestyle and i have mine. i dun like it when i have to change to adapt urs. u need to be more flexible and less stubborn. or u'll forever end up fighting with others. who hasnt quarreled with him? i cant think of any. cant u just live in peace and stop picking a fight?

if in the past, i wld have complained all these to him. so much have changed. like i wld talk abt him to my friends all the time, but now, i dun feel like talking much abt him. and i've got nth much to say too. heard that he's going for the vball thailand trip. i was ctually considering whether to go not. now that he's going, i really gotta reconsider. its not because of him that im going. its the team.

anw,haha=) my results for March CT sucks! thats wad u get if u dun study. and im gonna fail the recent chem test. gosh! i gotta do well for maths test next wk! study hard girl! dun let others(esp Mrs Chua) look down on u!

next wk's an exciting one. Competition is here! fight hard TJVB!!!

aiyo. i screwed my chem test again. i wanted to study and pass it this time. but i was tired and busy. cant seem to find enough time to study and rest. i tried to answer the qns lah. hopefully i can pass it. even a just pass is fine.

lol. mrs chua sent me for some time management session ytd. with 4 other classmates. super waste of time. i dun like her to think that i suck at my studies. she's always so sarcastic and annoying lah. but nvm lah. hopefully it does hlp me to organise my time well and im gonna do well for JCT. kinda motivated to study hard now. but im physically and mentally exhausted to do so. ah! hang on thr! competition season will be even tiring but i must work hard!

mm. i have been quieter than usual these few days. was pretty annoyed at peiwen. din talk to her much lately. i dun like her to frequently get pissed with audrey and me especially over minor stuffs. im actually quite fine with it. but because im really tired these few days, thats why i cant be bothered to give in. yupp. feel kinda bad abt it. but i just dun feel like talking.

finally. ever since he found out, ytd was the first time he sat beside me. we were attending the time management session. he came in later than me. my class ppl occupied a table. he took a chair and sat beside me. but this time, my heart din beat faster or wad. actually i've been avoiding him for these few days. like when we had lunch aft school on tues, we occupied 2 round tables. i was sitting in a place whr i could see him. then i changed seats so that i wld be back-facing him. usually i wld sit in front of him in class. but now, when i enter the class and see that he was sitting on the left side, i wld move to the right so that i wont sit in front of him. i hate myself for being like this. but i really dun wanna get hurt anymore. he msged me last night. to ask me to ask the girls if anyone was interested in joining triple jump. he said his friend asked me to do so. mm. though he din say who this friend was, but i know that its her. he nv mention her name to me before. he always referred her as his friend. because i dun want him to think that i wld try to strike a conv, my replies were rather short and closed ended. but though the conv was short, it did hlp to improve our situation today a bit. cos these few days felt a bit weird.

today was better. a few of us skipped econ lect and went to the library. i wanted to give the vball team the cards this sat so i started writing in the library. couldnt sit with him or else he'll know abt the cards. so edmund sat with me in another table. he came over twice to ask edmund qns. i quickly covered the cards. mm.i think it was pretty obvious. haha. so mayb he alr found out. he was quite active today. edmund made fun of me and he wld join in. mm. he hasnt really done so for a while alr. feels a bit normal now. during lunch, my whole class went opp to eat cos we wanted to celebrate yining's bday. peiwen, edmund and i sat alternately ard a round table. he was initially sitting at the table beside ours. then he came over. i think its because he din know the ppl thr very well and came to join edmund. he sat btw edmund and me. the seat beside me. for the second time aft so long.

sometimes, just looking at him is enough. wad do i really want? i dunno too.

mm. im tired.

23 april- the official end?

i told myself on 23 march that im giving myself a mth to let go of him, let go of everything. i cried that day. it was then that i realised i like him quite alot and it was not gonna be easy for me. he din talk to me for a couple of days then, before i decided that i shud do so. however, on the day itself, he msged me. he sounded kinda happy and excited. told me that we could get adidas jerseys. i cried again. why did he msg me that day? when i've made up my mind finally? i still replied. but i guess in a rather cold manner, unlike the usual me. i think he felt it. cos his msgs were unusually long, unlike his usual short ones. seemed like he was trying to carry on the conv. but aft a while, i din reply. somehow, i wanted him to know that im not one who he can talk to and neglect whenever he likes. i kept wondering if i shud reply. i wanted to be firm in my decision. i was afraid that the longer i talk to him, the sadder i'll get and the more i dun wanna let go. but in the end, i couldnt take it. i replied like 3omins ltr. this time, i was the normal me. sounded pretty normal. once, he din reply for quite a long time. i thot he din wanna talk to me. then he asked if he had replied me. i guess he was wondering why i took such a long time to reply again. i said no and we continued talking again. i guess that night, he wanted to tell me that we could still be friends by msging me as normal. i felt glad. yet, sad abt my decision too.

honestly, i thot that i would not be able to do so within a mth. but maybe i can now. the last time he msged me was a wk ago. im tired of getting disappointed each day. i dun wanna talk to him alr. dun wanna talk to him when other girls are busy and he has no one else to talk to. im no longer the girl who waits by her phone for his msgs the whole day. i dun always look out for him in school or in class too. it doesnt really matter to me anymore if he sits beside or behind me in class. (anw, he hasnt sat beside me ever since he found out.) sometimes, i dun even want him to sit behind me. today i talked quite alot to shengyu, abt vball stuffs. but i din talk or even look at him though he's beside shengyu. i guess im quite certain with my decision this time. thr was nv an option for me. i din choose to like him, this much. it just happened that way. but he chose to face it this way. a very hurtful way. but time will heal all wounds right? it wont hurt so much aft a while i guess. mm. 15 more days to the end of one mth. will it end everything officially?

competition season's starting real soon! next wk! i made these cards for the whole of the vball family. both guys and girls team and mr fung. but i haven write on the back of the cards yet. cute right? haha. i hope that they'll appreciate it. and we'll play well!

the front of the cards.

the back of the card

林俊杰-让我心动的人

己好久没有你的消息

好久都没有和你谈心

好想念你总爱对我说

你近来痘痘怎么那么多

如今你是否还留长发

你是否仍每夜迟回家

你是不是还爱咬指甲

oh girl 我今夜好想你呀

梦若和你的一切都是梦

那为何我会心动

谁为了谁

为了谁心动在分分钟

风它不肯说

云悄悄飘过

黑夜它依旧沉默

只有天上一颗星星说她睡了

你是否也该休息了

风它不肯说

云悄悄飘过

心跳却说服我没有错

让我心动的人是谁呀

愿那在梦中的你会懂

hey pals. if only u guys are here to comfort me. cos i think my heart's aching quite alot.

I LOVE MY TEAM!

GO GO GO! Go girls! we're the best team and we'll play well for A Div!

trng today was quite fine. and extremely tiring. cos the TA3s could only make it for trng ard 3 plus,4, so Serena,Junping,Meiyan and i started trng first ard 130pm. i swear it almost killed me. i was really exhausted. dunno why mr fung got so high lah. he trained our defence. first it was 2 a grp. then it was individual defence. ah! super scary and tiring cos we had to defend 2 baskets of balls and mr fung practically whacked it towards us. mine was really tiring cos he kept hitting my left and right but not to me directly so i had to move everywhere. then he made us 接放球 and immediately prepare to attack. wah! kept running forward to receive then retreat before jumping forward again to spike. and we had to do it alone. so there wasnt time to rest. had to keep moving! i was super tired! and guess wad? ytd trng, i dunno wad happened but my 直线球was better than my 斜线球. so mr fung said that he wants me to always attack straight from that time onwards. so today's trng, i kept practicsing it. ah! i was quite stressed when he changed my tactic. cos attacking straight is very difficult. and usually my timing will be slow. i really dunno wad happened that i actually managed to do that ytd and today. during trng today, i spiked 1 very nice straight ball. mm. felt so good! haha. i hope that i can play like tat in the future! must work hard!!!

aft trng, we had team talk. we were discussing abt punctuality and punishment for being late, and wad to get as a team. we suggested water bottles, towel, hair accessories, bra, shoelaces.. but haven reached an agreement yet. but we had so much fun talking lah.it's not often that we sit down tgt to talk. and we talked abt some personal stuffs like bra in front of mr fung. haha=) like its not awkward to talk abt such stuffs with him ard. he just laughed with us. during debrief, i was kinda happy cos for once, i felt that im not insignificant. cos i've been for consecutively 3 days alr and thr's still trng tmr, mr fung asked us,including me, to rest well cos he said im like dying alr. haha=) at least i know im not neglected in the team.

took bus back with shiyun. and guess wad we saw?



im so sorry to this guy. din mean to take his pic. but i felt that it was pretty funny that he actually wore his shirt inside out. shiyun and i were thinking to tell him or not. but we din dare to tell him so we din. haha=)


he was thr during my trng. not because he wanna stay for my trng but because he was talking to the guys abt their matches. he din stay for the whole trng. mm. i dunno wad i really want. i want him to be ard cos i guess it'll motivate me to play well. but it gives me some stress too. cos i will wanna play well to attract his attention. but his presence does distract me a bit. he seemed so cold when i talked to him today. so i din dare to try talking after that. we're drifting apart. no longer like the close friends that we used to be. and its all my fault. i know i've decided to let him go. i wont wait for his msgs each day anymore. and i wont expect to receive any too. but today, i really hope that he did msg me. but he din. i thot that mayb he will. he still din. mm. i feel kinda disappointed lah. i tld michelle just now that he has other girls in his life. she said that im a nice person and i should deserve someone better. nice person? so whr's my 'someone better'?


i rmb that rachel said this before, ' letting go doesnt mean that you stop liking that person. it merely means that you stop thinking that he'll ever come back to you.'







im letting go of you.

im missing the past.

mm. im feeling kinda tired now. had extra trng on spiking just now. and went to look for zoe and junwei for subway after that. it was raining quite heavily. luckily meiyan lent me her umbrella. haha. on my way to AMK hub, i realised that i had some free pic msgs and decided to try it out. i sent zoe a pic on the bus and told her that i was on my way. she replied with this..





she said that she was with junwei and asked me to hury. haha. sending pic msg is so cool!

the weather was cold and AMK hub was even colder. haha. i almost froze to death. could feel myself shivering. why is AMK hub always so cold? mm.cos we met kinda late, like abt 8pm alr, so we din stay for long. had dinner tgt and went to get chocolates before walking to the bus stop with zoe. chocolates is part of my life. cant seem to live without it. i've got this real bad habit. whenever im feeling low, i'll feel like eating chocolates. somehow, it'll make me feel better. esp at times when i dun talk to anyone abt wad's bothering me. junwei left first. told zoe abt trng, abt him and our match. but we couldnt talk much cos it was getting late. sometimes i wonder why is everyone rushing everyday? it seems like we're always busy with sth. like for me, i tend to multi-task all the time. like i cant sit down and watch tv only. i'll eat dinner while watching tv. i'll feel empty when one day i dun have work to do. automatically, i'll find some other things to do. why am i making things difficult for myself?

the fixtures for A Divsion is out!

TJ Girls:
18 april(fri): 1.30pm vs HCI
22 april(tues): 4.15pm vs MI
28 april(mon): 2.00pm vs YJ
29 april(tues): 3.30pm vs JJ

TJ Boys:
17 april(thu): 2.00pm vs VJ
21 april(mon): 3.30pm vs MJ
24 april(thu): 2.45pm vs YJ
28 april(mon): 2.45pm vs CJ

加油 TJVB!! let's do our dear mr fung proud!!

i miss those days when he wld listen to me complain abt every single thing that happened to me each day. even those really minor ones. it feels nice to have a friend who will listen to you. one who you can look for when you need someone to confide in. but nowadays, i feel that he's getting further and further away from me. he could be sitting beside or behind me. yet, i could still feel the distance. though i told myself that i'll try hard to stop liking him, i cant stop myself from thinking abt him. everytime i see him, i could feel my heart beating faster and slower at the same time. i dunno why. but its a strange feeling. and sometimes, it hurts too. because he's an impt friend of mine and i cherish our friendship, that's why i know that i should not like him any longer. moreover he alr has someone else in mind. she's a nice and really sweet girl. even i like her too. i feel really uncomfortable whenever i see her. but because he's my friend, i wanna see them get tgt. but if one day they really got tgt, mm.i dunno how i'll feel. i bet i'll be very sad. haha. but its ok lah.

我爱的人

我知道故事不会太曲折
我总会遇见一个什么人
陪我过没有了她的人生
成家立业之类的等等

她做了她觉得对的选择
我只好祝福她真的对了
爱不到我最想要爱的人
谁还能要我怎样呢

我爱的人不是我的爱人
她心里每一寸都属于另一个人
她真幸福幸福得真残忍
让我又爱又恨她的爱怎么那么深

我爱的人她已有了爱人
从他们的眼神说明了我不可能
每当听见她或他说"我们"
就像听见爱情永恒的嘲笑声


it reminds me of him. now that i think abt it, i think i like him kinda alot. haha. why did i treat him as a gd friend when i know that i like him? thats rather dumb. mm.im still waiting for the day when he's really able to see me as a gd friend. but. when will that be? im still waiting.

im the happiest girl today!

mm. i was looking out for him during assembly. he din come. but i din feel as empty as expected. in fact, i felt a bit less stressful cos i din really gotta watch my image. well,i dun usually keep a good image too lah =) heard from my classmates that most prob he wont come for this wk. felt a bit disappointed.

today feels like a short day, though there's double period GP. cos mdm lim made us mark each other's essay script and we spent abt one and a half period doing so. she din get to talk much. no wonder time passed quickly. i just dun understand how she always manages to not stop talking until her period ends. usually she wants those doing the same essay qns mark for each other. it so happened that he did the same qns as me.when mdm lim called his name, followed by mine, peiwen,sy and audrey all turned to look at me. all of us laughed at each other's reaction.zx was sitting beside me for GP. cos there werent other seats for audrey,peiwen and me. he kept talking. non stop. and he kept talking to me as if i know him very well. its quite annoying. i only replied,'mm.' ,'ya' and 'i think so'. but he still din get it. he was like, 'can i see ur phone? how old is it? im changing my phone soon.' errsss.i din reply. haha.msged edmund in class and told him how annoying zx was. edmund kept making fun and laughed.

had lunch with my clique. and i love my clique alot! but we split into 2 tables. ed,shengyu,pw and i took a table. cos all of them knew abt him, we openly discussed abt him. i no longer hide it alr. all along i din mind ppl knowing. but i guess he does. so i din dare to tell many abt it. but somehow, everyone seemed to know. so im not hiding it too. i cant believe that i actually asked sy if he found out abt it long time ago. as in face to face. but im glad that i got the ans. yupp,as expected, he found out long time ago. mm.actually i was a bit upset with peiwen today. cos i wanted to let her know wad sy and i talked abt him last night. but she din wanna listen cos she said i kept repeating. lol. its not like that. i nv even completed my story so i wanted to continue with it. but in the end i din. if my pals were with me, wld they react the same way?

haha.i think im the happiest person today! he msged me. i was feeling a bit tired so i wanted to catch a nap when i received the msg. haha. i missed my nap to talk to him. i tld him that naresh called jp to ask if both were tgt. haha. i think its the greatest joke on earth. he still laughed and asked me to beware of stalkers. lol.

hey pals! if only we're still in the same class. then i can tell u guys abt all these minor things that are happening in my life. it's difficult to find a time when we all can settle down and talk abt such stuffs. all of us have diff schedules. when will be the next time i see u guys and update u more??